I'm very flattered but I'm married

Needed a new look....

So ever since we've gotten married, women are all over my husband. I swear it is the craziest thing. He gets this huge kick out of it and tells me about each time some woman approaches him. I never knew that this supposedly happens once a man has a ring on their finger but men and women are confirming this to be the truth. I don't know what it is. I'm figuring the fact that a man is committed or appears to be is a turn on? Is that it?

But as I walked out of the mall today some dude says "How you doing?" And I kept my head straight didn't break stride and said "Fine thank you and you?" And kept it moving. No need for conversation. And this has been how it has always been. It doesn't even get to the point where I have to say I'm married or whatever... Now him on the other hand tells me off all the things he does to make the chicks see the ring and how he will play with the ring, or rub his face with his left hand, or whatever... So here is what I have a problem with. Why are you even entertaining conversations with these chicks to the point where they have to notice it. My face says enough that men don't even continue with it... He's all "There's nothing wrong with conversation" or "networking..." Now I'm am not a jealous person at all so I really don't care but I did realize the difference today when I didn't have to flash my ring or say I'm married because I don’t even let it get to that point.

Get on the good foot... Or praise the Lord...

Ok real quick. Jr had a tantrum last night in the hallway of my apt building and it looked like a cross between James Brown and someone getting the holy ghost.

I couldn't help it. I cracked up laughing. When he realized I was laughing at him he got pissed and started doing it again and screaming "Why are you laughing at me" So it was all a hot mess and what made it worse was some one (an old person) came walking down the hallway and I didn't notice so I was embarassed cause I should have been snatching him up but there I am cracking up. I must have looke ig-nor-ant!!!!

Have a good weekend!!!!!

I don't got nuthin to say....

I really don't have anything specific to speak on but I haven't been posting everyday. If I keep up like this I'll never post. So I am just going to list a bunch of things. 10 Things....

1. I have public bathroom rooms rules
- Do not go in a stall right next to someone if there is an open stall somewhere else.
- If it is a 3 stall bathroom and all are empty do not take the middle. Then people are forced to be next to you.
- If it is obvious that someone is doing the doo... hurry up. It's an uncomfortable situation for all involved. Do not fix your hair, re apply gloss, turn around and do the over the shoulder red carpet pose... Wash your hands and leave
- Do not come with me when I say I'm going. Bathroom company that I'm expected to converse with while I pee makes me very nervous.
- Don't talk on your cell phone while you are in there either.

2. I can't stand when people pronounce salmon "sal-mon" It bothers me really really badly. Really. I also hate when people say conversate. It also bothers me.

3. Shaving down below is torturous. It's the worst thing ever. Arrrrggghhhhhh

4. I hate making phone calls for work. That is the part of my job that gets me in trouble. If a boss says "call so and so." I never do it. I don't like calling people at all actually and I don't listen to voicemails. At work, home or cell. I hate voicemail.

5. Children's benedryl will have the reverse affect and make a child hyper if you use it every night. I'm not saying I DO or DID do this I'm just letting you know...

6. I don't like tweenagers or whatever the hell they are called. Middleschoolers... I don't like them. They always have huge backpacks and walk bent over and their feet are always too big for their bodies. They laugh loud in public and generally gross me out. My friends with kids this age don't appreciate my opinion but it is was it is. Don't like em. And I'm not too thrilled with teenagers either. I like kids between the ages of 8 and 10.

7. Pots are not for storage. They are for cooking. Don't just put the lid on it and stick it in the fridge. I hate that. The food is then considered inconsumable IMO.

8. I don't like cake. But every time someone offers me some I say yes b/c it looks so good! And then I taste it throw it in the garbage.

9. I hate to put lotion on my feet. I try and wait until the very last minute which often ends up with forgetting and looking down at my feet at some point mid morning thinking "Damn my feet are ashy!" But I always carry lotion and by that point I'm more ashamed of the ashyness than anything else and the lotion doesn't bother me.

10. I can’t stand Tyra. She always has to make it about herself. Today she was talking about youtube and she says cat videos are very popular and something about 56million cat videos on youtube and then she says "And I'm allergic to cats!" You just couldn't help yourself uh Tyra? You just had to say something about you?

OK there are ten things!

I'm baaaaack......

I've been a bad blogger. For real though I had nothing to talk about. Absolutely nothing. Which in blog world is bad but real life kinda good. Then my Father-In-Law passed away and we had to make the long drive down to Whiteville, NC. We stopped in Raliegh to visit my crazy ass Mother-In-Law. She's a nutcase y'all.

It was my husband and I, Jr and my 2 brother-in-laws. It was a good trip, considering it was for a funeral. We had fun though. It was one of those teeny tiny country towns. I always knew he was from the sticks but DAMN!. Nobody goes by their real names.

Debo - brother in law
Baby Boy - brother in law
Rap - Husband
Baby Duck - Uncle
Fresh - Mother in law
Pappy - Father in law
Nasty - Cousin in Law
MuMu - Cousin in Law
Mug - Uncle in law

I don't have a nickname. They just call me in-law.

I didn;t want to come home though. I could have stayed. I liked it. I could have just sat on the porch eatin boiled peanuts and waving at every car that drove by forever. And I swear news travels fast. We stopped at a gas station at 1am when we arrived and by 9am cars were rolling by the house. We just sat on the porch all day and people came.

So sorry to go missing. I'll try not to do it again!

Thank you Mama!

Ok so this post if for the Mothers. It's tough being a mom. So this post to give each other credit for all of the things we don't get credit for. Like there aren't any Hallmark cards that say...

Thank you so much for smelling the poop when I tried so hard to pretend that I didn't poop in my pants so I could keep playing with my ninja turtles. It was really gross and I was totally uncomfortable. You undressed me and washed me up and it was nasty but you did what you had to do. (wink * wink * you know who you are)

or

Thank you for taking the extra time to look for that damned cart with the car attached. I know it is hard to steer but you did it for me.

or

Thank you for eating McDonalds happy meals for lunch just so I can collect each Kong Fu Panda toys. And thank you for getting out of the car and marching into the McDonalds and looking like a crazy woman asking to see every toy they had to make sure I didn't get a repeat.

or...

My dumb ass...

So I've been thinking about all of the crazy shit that went down it that apartment and all the mess I've gotten myself into trying to be nice and not knowing how to say NO.

So I'm living in my apt by myself and my cousin and his new girl drop by with some drinks. So we're drinking... chilling... home girl is cool. A hoodrat, but cool. So he comes to me like "is it alright if we stay the night?" I'm like cool. We were tipsy. They didn't have a ride. I didn't feel like giving them a ride. So why not. So they stayed the night. And then another night. And another... Then they were straight up living with me. Now I love my cousin. He is the nicest person in the world. But he has a thing for stealing cars (watch that new show on A&E Jacked. It's in my county. You may see one of my cousins on there getting pulled out of a stolen Expedition). But homie was trying to get his life together. So he didn't have a job. She didn't have a job. But the thing is my cousin likes to clean. I don't. I would come home from work. They would greet me smiling. Like that scene in Annie when she first comes to the mansion. I'd walk in and the apt would be sparkling. A hot bowl of Ramen Noodles waiting made just the way I like them, he'd have a cigarette lit for me. How's your day. Rub my shoulders. It was like I had my own cook, maid, massage therapist... But on my little salary it was hard to buy food and cigarettes for three grown ass adults.

Then I started messing with some dude at work and he hit me with "Could I store some boxes here. Just a few things." Yes... Yes... I know... But the other thing hadn't happened yet so I wasn't hip to the game yet. Homie straight moved in. Clothes in my closet. Hung artwork on the walls. So now there are 4 grown ass adults in my one bedroom apt.

So one day about 3 months later (yes they were there for 3 months on some "can we stay the night cause we're drunk" shit) I'm on my way in and my cousin and his girl come running out of the building all out of breathe talking about they are going to the movies do I want to come. I'm like naw that's ok. But he's got a crazy looking screw driver in his hand. They run off and jump into a black Jeep and pull off. Minutes later there's a police car up and down the street. Now he had been driving this car for days. Parking it out front. Said it was his boys car. I fell for it. He had fell off the wagon. That night I told him he had to go. I was sad... No more clean apartment... no more hot ramen noodles or shoulder rubs after work... But he understood.

He's been clean and sober from auto theft for about 5 years now. It's crazy though how my cousins love to steal cars. No lie about 4 times I've gotten calls from people who's cars have been stolen asking me where my damn cousins are and if they have the car. Like I'm the auto theft task force and can get their cars back for them. My cousin from the story has a son now who is the same age as mine. I picked him up on Friday to spend the night. When we pulled into my garage he was in awe of all the cars. As we walk into the building he's like "There go a toyotaaaa, that's a hondaaaaa, BMW..., I'm looking for a truck with some rims on it." 3 years old people... 3 years old... Gotta break the cycle.

The Apple fell far from the tree

So you know I gotta problem with the whole save the world thing. n0days understands... Anyway, my son doesn't. Today was his second day in Pre-K. I dropped him off in the early room this morning and some kid was bawling "Moooommy!!!" Now my son is the type of kid that sees an opportunity to get away from me and basically throws me the deuces. So he's looking at homie like "WTF is wrong wit u man?" So I tell Jr. "He's having a hard time. Be his friend. Help him out. Play with him. Let him sit with you." Then I go to bounce and I turn around and my son looks at the kid, then looks at Dora on TV, back at the kid, back at Dora. Then he gives me a look that totally said "don't get me involved in the BS" and says to me "He don't want me. He want his mommy." And then turns back to Dora.

So back to the dudes on the couch

So I walk in go in my room to review my purchases and hear a man say my name. I start screaming. Like horror flick top of my longs screaming and I hear "Don’t scream don't scream!" I walk into the living room and there are 2 dudes on the couch. One starts saying "You know me you know me." Turns out it is the chick from down the hallway's bf or fb ... (yes the one who got evicted). So he starts this long explanation of how the bloods chased him into the stairway and he shot at them and now the cops are after him. Yeah my building was full of bloods. I told y’all it was hood. So the cops were looking for him and he ran to the apartment of this dude down the hallway. I had just come back from vacation and the dude down the hallway had been feeding my cat and still had the key and let these MFers hide in my apartment. (Mind you I was still pretty green from growing up in Maybury and thought nothing of giving the dread down the hallway my key).

So I didn't want anybody putting my name in this shit and getting caught up in this so I said “Well chill here until things die down and then get out.” So what do you talk about to 2 dudes you don’t know hiding from the bloods and the cops? You tell them email jokes. So we sat there until like 3 in the morning telling stupid jokes. And then when all had died down I told them to get the F out. But not before my dumbass had the cute one suck my toes and gave him my phone number. (I’ve come a long way people). So dude would call me CONSTANTLY talkin about "I think I'm falling in love with you.” When he cried on the phone one day I changed my number and that was the end of that situation. Until homegirl found me on myspace. Next thing you know I got a friend request from the cry baby talking about "just cause you got problems with her don't change what we have" WTF? Delete account. Mi vida loca

No, I can't, nope, sorry, not gonna be able to do it

Ok so I read Cherish's post and it made me remember THE situation that turned me into the Boss Bitch that I am today. This is the situation that allowed me to start saying Nope, No, Sorry I can't help you out...

So when I got my first real job I wanted out of my parents house right away. Shoooot I was making $25K... I thought I was BIG TIME. So I got myself an apartment in the gulliest gutter of Newark. So I stayed like 3 years there. It was good to me. So one night I cam home and thee were police cars all outside and people packed in the lobby. I thought nothing of it. So I go up to my apartment. Since I lived alone I never shut doors. Like the kitchen door bedroom door... So I walk in and all the doors are shut. My cat walks up to me I say "Hey baby!" then go in my room. I'm going through my bags and I hear a man say my name. Why are 2 MuthaFers sitting on my couch? Now I will finish that story another day.

So with that I decided to move.

I ended up buying a condo. Well about a month before I was supposed to move I come home and find a note on my door from the chick who lived down the hall. Now I'd never talked to this chick a day in my life. The note just said "I need to talk to you..." Then she comes a knockin... She's been evicted. Could she keep a bookcase in my apartment. I say yes... Home girl props open my door and proceeds to move HER WHOLE ENTIRE APARTMENT into mine. Complete bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, Everything she owned. My apartment was full. There was only a small path to the fridge and to my bedroom left. And her stuff smelled like bacon and mothballs. I told chick I was moving and she couldn't leave all this stuff. i was about to move. She said she'd be back in 2 days to get it. Well a month and a couple of PTO days later stuff was still there. She'd say she was coming. I'd take off of work and chick wouldn't show. I ended up having to stay an extra month. Then when she finally did show up she told me she needed me to rent her a u-haul. Now she ahd gone too far... She left me with a number to reach her and said she'd be back. She never came. I called the number... it was disconnected.

I threw her shit out.

Everything. Except her sofa and love seat it was hot. I gave it to my man. she showed up the day I was moving the last of my stuff out cussin and crying and threatening me and shit... I just kept on. I told her. You took advantage of me and I had to do what I had to do.

Fast forward 6 years later... One day I get all these messages from my friends to call them right away. I mean friends who live across the country. Hmmm that was strange. I'm terrible at returning messages and all so I go about my day. Log onto myspace... Well homegirl found me on myspace and sent all types of crazy threatening messages to me. AND she sent messages to my friends that I stole her stuff and they don't really know me and that I'm HIV positive... Most of my friends remembered the incident and cftu. the others were just confused and were like "whatever..." I got a new myspace page and that was that. But the funny thing is that I had a picture of my son sitting on the couch!

MyGolden Rule

I have a strict rule. Friends and Man don't mix. Now we can all hang out. Friends can come over but I will never leave my friends alone with my man. I'm not gonna say I'll be right back I gotta run to the store. I'll say put your shoes on we gotta run to the store. I'm never going to call my man from my friends cell phone. Cause there will be no calling the number back to see who it was calling. If my friend is drunk and asked to stay the night, I will give them a plastic back and a ride home. I just don't do it. Not that I don't trust them. But I don't want to put either of them in a funny situation. Well I broke the rule yesterday. Mind you I never tell say the rule out loud b/c then I might offend someone and it's not worth it. And even though I know neither of them will hit on the other I still feel funny about breaking the rule. My best-friend lost her money on her way to work and had no way to get home and works far from home. So my husband works a few blocks from her and I told her to meet him at his job and he'd give her a ride home. I called him and he said fine and she got her ride home. I know my rule works b/c she was like "What the hell am I gonna talk to him about in the car. I've never been with him alone." And I gave her a list of topics she could talk to him about. And what's funny is she stuck to the list b/c of course each one mentioned what the convo was. My heart knows it was the right thing to do. It would have been messed up to leave my best friend stranded knowing that I could easily have gotten her a ride. But I feel like a sucka for breaking one of my golden rules. He told her that anytime she needed a ride she could just come to his job and he's take her home. Sigh........

The Honeymooners

So far the honeymoon period is LOVELY. I hope we can keep this up for a long time. I know it seems a bit unrealistic but I figure if you keep your mind focused on this unbelievable happiness and stay committed to continuing the "Honey", "Baby", "Sweetheart"s and the kisses and all that other good stuff you can be one of those couples celebrating their 60th anniversary. We love saying wife and husband and married. We hold hands (which he would NEVER do before). I even hold the attitude back for the little things. Where I would have continually sucked my teeth and rolled my eyes before I let it go. I don't want anything to ruin the high we are on right now. I know I probably sound foolish to those married for a while but hey why not bask in the idiocy of being newlywed while you can right?

But I swear it's like he's opened up so much. For the past 7 days I've been with a man I barely know. He's romantic and extremely affectionate and playful... It is very strange but I'm not complaining. He claims this was always him and it was me who was so negative but everyone has noticed the change in him and commented on it so I know it's not me. But I simply said back "Maybe you're right" What's the point in arguing over something positive right?