Im back. Single. And happier than ever!

Wooooooow!

It's been like Forever. This is gonna have to be a 2 parter!

Well the second part will be about me getting separated. The first part will be about what Ive learned since. Seems backwards but in my mind the second part is the most important.

So for the past six months I've been dating. And it's been good. I've met a lot of interesting people. My self confidence has grown leaps and bounds and most importantly I'm as happy as I have been in 10 years!

I am learning that people you are with expect to sit next to you on the couch. They don't mind paying for dinner. They are like your cheerleader and less like the opponent. Men tell you how beautiful you are, not how bad you look. And they actually do see you for more than cooking and sex. You don't have to guess if they think you look great because they will hold you at arms length and take you in and tell you how great you look. All men will not tell you that you ruined there life if you end up pregnant and might actually be happy (no I'm not pregnant). They will be able to chill bar with you and your girls making everyone comfortable and you feel like your on a high. Your friends won't want to avoid them but will actually enjoy their company. They ask your opinion and actually care what you think.

It's so wonderful. I feel like I am in a movie. I thought this was all fake. I saw peoples family pictures and never thought the man was happy to have the wife and kids. I thought they had been forced to take those pictures. but it isn't fake. And sometimes it overwhelms me. Knowing that this isn't fake makes me feel like I am living and breathing in a world that is totally unfamiliar to me. And I cry because I am angry that I was led to believe the opposite by a man who met me as a very young woman and trained me to believe I had very little worth. But then I cry because it is so exciting. And scary. But mostly exciting to know what the possibilities for love are. And I cry because I love every new thing I experience. I cry because I am blessed to experience it with someone who is patient. With someone who wants me to feel these things just as badly as I want to feel them myself.

But it is scary because I'm so awkward. I hate to pick up the phone and call because I'm too scared he will feel bothered to hear from me. Last night I got a phone call from someone I dated a couple of times who I really liked. I never called him. I could tell he was a little offended by my lack of communication. And I didn't mean to offend. But I have been rejected so much by the person I was with that I have apprehension to reach out and be rejected by someone I don't know too well. I'm scared to hug and to kiss and to touch and to talk because I figure it would probably just be an annoyance to them.

So all of these things I want and love now are so foreign to me. I've always given love but I don't know how to give and receive love at the same time. I guess you can say my love coordination is off. But I'm trying.

Thanks to my my new friend GC! :) He's so wonderful and SO... DAMN... FINE!!!!!!

Smart Boy

So I talked to the little guy about the Brianna situation. I swear he acted like a teenager. This was the convo

Me: So.... tell me about Brianna. What's going on with that?
(Blushes and then shruggs like a teenager)
Me: You know you can talk to me. Wht happened with that?
R: I don't know... nuthin
Me: Is that your friend
R: Nope
Me: You can be her friend if you want.
R: I don't want to be her friend.
Me: Was she your girlfriend?
R: Noooooo. She's not my girlfriend. She's not my friend. And I don't want her to be my friend.

I'm glad homie saw the drama and dropped chick like a hot potato
That's my boy!

My lil' Don juan

Do you remember the first time you ever had a crush? A true I want that to be my boyfriend/girlfriend crush? I think I might have been 5 or 6. Chad Thomas. We used to hold hands at the family cookouts and look at the city lights. It was so romantic. No kissing or any fresh talk. Just hand holding and talking.

My son has started already. My OES sister has a daughter, Mia who he was smitten with from day one. Well the other night he asked me what a friend of mine's last name was and I said "Brown". So he then repeats Brown several times and says "Mia's my brown sugar." (I think he got that from Max & Ruby - Brown sugar apples sauce put it in the oven....) I laughed. But homeboy has actually begun to call her Brown Sugar like it's her name. So Mia's mom called me and I told her we were going to the movies. She asked if her and Mia could come. We went to Friday's first to get a bit. While we were there me and my Sis were talking and I realize these 2 preschoolers have turned this into a romantic dinner. The waiter came and tell me why homie tried to order for her. Talkin about "You gonna get the green juice Brown Sugar". I'm listening in on their conversations and hear "Your my best boyfriend" and "I love you Brown Sugar". So after the movie we get in our cars I drive of and homeboy is QUIET. He is never quiet. I ask what's wrong and he said I wasn't ready to leave Mia. I want to go see the alien movie with her. And I remembered that feeling in my TEENAGE years of not wanting to part after seeing my crush and I'm like homie is 4 going through this. Insane!

So I drop him off this morning and I hear his teacher say to a little girl "Stop hiding behind your mother. That boy's not even thinking about you" So I'm like "What's going on? Is he mean to her?" And the teacher and the mother give each other looks and the teacher says "We had to seperate them. They were very close but then she started get possesive and fighting the other girls in class over him." I'm dumbfounded. First of all b/c they had to "seperate" my child from another child and didn't speak to me about it. Second of all cause my 3 year old has girls fighting over him. Then the girls mother says "Yeah she talked about him constantly at home and always uses his name for the letter R when we do the alphabet." And she's like did he talk about her a lot?" I was like "Ummmmm what's her name? Must be Imani?" Nope. Brianna. Had no idea about Brianna.

He really needs to take it down cause I'm not trying to be nobody's grandma in my 40's. My best friend is 32 and just became a grandma. NO SIR! Not me.

Here's my little guy when he got into the baby powder