Thursday, March 11, 2010

Im back. Single. And happier than ever!


It's been like Forever. This is gonna have to be a 2 parter!

Well the second part will be about me getting separated. The first part will be about what Ive learned since. Seems backwards but in my mind the second part is the most important.

So for the past six months I've been dating. And it's been good. I've met a lot of interesting people. My self confidence has grown leaps and bounds and most importantly I'm as happy as I have been in 10 years!

I am learning that people you are with expect to sit next to you on the couch. They don't mind paying for dinner. They are like your cheerleader and less like the opponent. Men tell you how beautiful you are, not how bad you look. And they actually do see you for more than cooking and sex. You don't have to guess if they think you look great because they will hold you at arms length and take you in and tell you how great you look. All men will not tell you that you ruined there life if you end up pregnant and might actually be happy (no I'm not pregnant). They will be able to chill bar with you and your girls making everyone comfortable and you feel like your on a high. Your friends won't want to avoid them but will actually enjoy their company. They ask your opinion and actually care what you think.

It's so wonderful. I feel like I am in a movie. I thought this was all fake. I saw peoples family pictures and never thought the man was happy to have the wife and kids. I thought they had been forced to take those pictures. but it isn't fake. And sometimes it overwhelms me. Knowing that this isn't fake makes me feel like I am living and breathing in a world that is totally unfamiliar to me. And I cry because I am angry that I was led to believe the opposite by a man who met me as a very young woman and trained me to believe I had very little worth. But then I cry because it is so exciting. And scary. But mostly exciting to know what the possibilities for love are. And I cry because I love every new thing I experience. I cry because I am blessed to experience it with someone who is patient. With someone who wants me to feel these things just as badly as I want to feel them myself.

But it is scary because I'm so awkward. I hate to pick up the phone and call because I'm too scared he will feel bothered to hear from me. Last night I got a phone call from someone I dated a couple of times who I really liked. I never called him. I could tell he was a little offended by my lack of communication. And I didn't mean to offend. But I have been rejected so much by the person I was with that I have apprehension to reach out and be rejected by someone I don't know too well. I'm scared to hug and to kiss and to touch and to talk because I figure it would probably just be an annoyance to them.

So all of these things I want and love now are so foreign to me. I've always given love but I don't know how to give and receive love at the same time. I guess you can say my love coordination is off. But I'm trying.

Thanks to my my new friend GC! :) He's so wonderful and SO... DAMN... FINE!!!!!!


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