Thursday, March 11, 2010

Im back. Single. And happier than ever!


It's been like Forever. This is gonna have to be a 2 parter!

Well the second part will be about me getting separated. The first part will be about what Ive learned since. Seems backwards but in my mind the second part is the most important.

So for the past six months I've been dating. And it's been good. I've met a lot of interesting people. My self confidence has grown leaps and bounds and most importantly I'm as happy as I have been in 10 years!

I am learning that people you are with expect to sit next to you on the couch. They don't mind paying for dinner. They are like your cheerleader and less like the opponent. Men tell you how beautiful you are, not how bad you look. And they actually do see you for more than cooking and sex. You don't have to guess if they think you look great because they will hold you at arms length and take you in and tell you how great you look. All men will not tell you that you ruined there life if you end up pregnant and might actually be happy (no I'm not pregnant). They will be able to chill bar with you and your girls making everyone comfortable and you feel like your on a high. Your friends won't want to avoid them but will actually enjoy their company. They ask your opinion and actually care what you think.

It's so wonderful. I feel like I am in a movie. I thought this was all fake. I saw peoples family pictures and never thought the man was happy to have the wife and kids. I thought they had been forced to take those pictures. but it isn't fake. And sometimes it overwhelms me. Knowing that this isn't fake makes me feel like I am living and breathing in a world that is totally unfamiliar to me. And I cry because I am angry that I was led to believe the opposite by a man who met me as a very young woman and trained me to believe I had very little worth. But then I cry because it is so exciting. And scary. But mostly exciting to know what the possibilities for love are. And I cry because I love every new thing I experience. I cry because I am blessed to experience it with someone who is patient. With someone who wants me to feel these things just as badly as I want to feel them myself.

But it is scary because I'm so awkward. I hate to pick up the phone and call because I'm too scared he will feel bothered to hear from me. Last night I got a phone call from someone I dated a couple of times who I really liked. I never called him. I could tell he was a little offended by my lack of communication. And I didn't mean to offend. But I have been rejected so much by the person I was with that I have apprehension to reach out and be rejected by someone I don't know too well. I'm scared to hug and to kiss and to touch and to talk because I figure it would probably just be an annoyance to them.

So all of these things I want and love now are so foreign to me. I've always given love but I don't know how to give and receive love at the same time. I guess you can say my love coordination is off. But I'm trying.

Thanks to my my new friend GC! :) He's so wonderful and SO... DAMN... FINE!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

It's been a long time!

So it's been a while. I don't know why I stopped writing. I think it was all the complaining I was doing. I hate the whole woe is me BS.

So a couple of crazy things that have happened since I left you.

Crazy mother in law... Have I ever mentioned my mother in law is a sociopath? Well she has a classic case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm sure of it. I mean it's already established that she is a Looney Tune. Get a check every month crazy. But no one has ever mentioned her exact disorder but I'm sure I've diagnosed her correctly. I'm constantly printing things from offline and bringing them to my husband but he never reads them. I guess that is probably really annoying. "Look! See your mama does this... read this!" Would probably annoy me. Well anyway. There are 3 brothers. The youngest one is clearly her favorite. My husband is the oldest one and suffered the majority of her abuse and then a middle one. Well the youngest one always saw the crazy mean off the wall stuff she did to the older ones but she never did it to him. She lives hundreds of miles away but still manages to terrorize them.

WELL.... Good ol Mama thought the youngest was living with a woman and not telling her (he's 27). She heard the girlfriend say "Honey Im home" one day while she was on the phone. From there the madness started. She started cussing him out called him all types of MF'rs... Then here is the kicker. He was supposed to start working at an airline. Home girl (the mother) told me one night that she was gonna call the airline and his current job and make sure he didn't get the job he was going for AND get him fired from his current job. I was like "No.... that isn't a good idea... blah blah blah..." The next night baby brother called. Airline called him and told him don't bother coming in for his first day. Yup she actually called the Airline and found her way to the right person and told them GOD KNOWS WHAT and got his job offer rescinded. This woman stops at nothing to get what she wants. She even got FEMA to move her to a new apartment after a big rainstorm. She claimed it caused black mold in her apartment. Was her apartment flooded you ask? No. She just called them daily several times a day for months until they did it. And now she goes and does this. To the only one of her sons that actually seemed to still care for her.

Now no one is speaking to her. And she leaves messages on our machine that this was between her and her “baby” and she has God on her side and the devil is a liar and she is withdrawing all of her life insurance and they can do whatever the want with her body….

Sometimes she calls and blocks her number but I got hip to that one the last time she threw a fit. My husband actually told her on Saturday not to call us anymore. He is the type that shows no emotion so I wonder what it is doing inside to him to have to tell his mother not to call anymore. It must suck to have a crazy mother…

Friday, December 05, 2008

Smart Boy

So I talked to the little guy about the Brianna situation. I swear he acted like a teenager. This was the convo

Me: So.... tell me about Brianna. What's going on with that?
(Blushes and then shruggs like a teenager)
Me: You know you can talk to me. Wht happened with that?
R: I don't know... nuthin
Me: Is that your friend
R: Nope
Me: You can be her friend if you want.
R: I don't want to be her friend.
Me: Was she your girlfriend?
R: Noooooo. She's not my girlfriend. She's not my friend. And I don't want her to be my friend.

I'm glad homie saw the drama and dropped chick like a hot potato
That's my boy!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

My lil' Don juan

Do you remember the first time you ever had a crush? A true I want that to be my boyfriend/girlfriend crush? I think I might have been 5 or 6. Chad Thomas. We used to hold hands at the family cookouts and look at the city lights. It was so romantic. No kissing or any fresh talk. Just hand holding and talking.

My son has started already. My OES sister has a daughter, Mia who he was smitten with from day one. Well the other night he asked me what a friend of mine's last name was and I said "Brown". So he then repeats Brown several times and says "Mia's my brown sugar." (I think he got that from Max & Ruby - Brown sugar apples sauce put it in the oven....) I laughed. But homeboy has actually begun to call her Brown Sugar like it's her name. So Mia's mom called me and I told her we were going to the movies. She asked if her and Mia could come. We went to Friday's first to get a bit. While we were there me and my Sis were talking and I realize these 2 preschoolers have turned this into a romantic dinner. The waiter came and tell me why homie tried to order for her. Talkin about "You gonna get the green juice Brown Sugar". I'm listening in on their conversations and hear "Your my best boyfriend" and "I love you Brown Sugar". So after the movie we get in our cars I drive of and homeboy is QUIET. He is never quiet. I ask what's wrong and he said I wasn't ready to leave Mia. I want to go see the alien movie with her. And I remembered that feeling in my TEENAGE years of not wanting to part after seeing my crush and I'm like homie is 4 going through this. Insane!

So I drop him off this morning and I hear his teacher say to a little girl "Stop hiding behind your mother. That boy's not even thinking about you" So I'm like "What's going on? Is he mean to her?" And the teacher and the mother give each other looks and the teacher says "We had to seperate them. They were very close but then she started get possesive and fighting the other girls in class over him." I'm dumbfounded. First of all b/c they had to "seperate" my child from another child and didn't speak to me about it. Second of all cause my 3 year old has girls fighting over him. Then the girls mother says "Yeah she talked about him constantly at home and always uses his name for the letter R when we do the alphabet." And she's like did he talk about her a lot?" I was like "Ummmmm what's her name? Must be Imani?" Nope. Brianna. Had no idea about Brianna.

He really needs to take it down cause I'm not trying to be nobody's grandma in my 40's. My best friend is 32 and just became a grandma. NO SIR! Not me.

Here's my little guy when he got into the baby powder

Monday, December 01, 2008

Positively Back!

I haven't written in a while b/c I felt like I was being SO NEGATIVE. So I waited until I had some nice things to say.

OK so I wanted to tell you all how in love I am. It's so weird when you get to the point in a relationship that every now and then you fall head over heals for the person. Like you always LOVE them, sometimes you may not necessarly LIKE them. Sometimes you do. But then sometimes you re-fall-in-love. And it may last 1 week or 3 months or however long... but you feel like you did in the beginning. Butterflies and all. I love it when that happens. So I'm in deep deep love again and can't wait until he gets home tonight. One way I can tell when I'm in re-love is my cooking. When Dinner is bangin' and plates are being damn near licked clean, I'm in love. I swear. When I'm in like it's edible, When I'm not liking him so much it's either disgusing or nothing at all. But when I'm in love... WATCHOUT! So needless to say I can't wait for dinner. I cooked a chicken stroganoff in the crock pot and it's perfect for cold nights like tonight. Last night I cooked for him 3 times. His Sunday dinner by 3pm then Late Evening snack and late night snack. Oh I love that man.

Oh and my son said the sweetest thing. The other night I was in deep thought about life so I asked him "Are you happy? Like truly truly happy" And he smiled and said "Yes" and I said "Why are you happy?" And he said "Cause you're loving me." And I really expected to get an answer about toys. I mean he's 3 years old (well 4 next week). But he gave me a hint that what I try to do is working. I just try to make sure he knows he is loved. If a person feels loved I think they can do anything. They have a confidence about them that is unstoppable. I mean many things positive and negative fuel a person's desire to succeed, but I want to give him all the positive fuel that I can. And it's working. He gets it. So I feel good about my mission as a mother and my progress thus far.

So that's the little update on my life...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

When to say when

I know sometimes you have to let a man be a man. But when is it appropriate to step in and say... ask the gas attendant for directions or call an electrician or in my case a plumber?

Our bathroom sink is always stopped up. Homie is constantly pouring stuff down there - draino, heavy duty drain cleaner, bleach.... So Anyway it's always getting clogged. Then a couple of months ago the pipe from the sink to the wall started dripping and the faucet started dripping too. Hubby said he'd fix it. Now.... The sink appears to be clogged and unable to be unclogged. In his first phase of repair he did something to make a big hole in the pipe under the sink and put a big bucket there. It would take about 6 hours to fill up and then he'd take a tupperware bowl and bail some of that water out into the toilet until the bucket could be tilted and slid from under the pipe and emptied into the toilet. Several Home Depot trips later, the hole appears to be closed but now the sink isn't even draining slow. It's not draining at all. So then he put a tupperware bowl in the sink to catch the water that drips from the faucet and then that water can be poured from the bowl into the toilet. Matter of fact I need to go check it because it fills fast and then overflows onto the floor after a few hours (mind you this is all over the course of say 4 days. )

So this morning I go to put a little water on my toothbrush and GUSH water comes gushing out. I'm like what the hell happened to the faucet. He mumbles something about a wrong part.

***hold on - I'll be right back - I really should check that tupperware bowl***

Ok sometime between the time I left for work and now it switch from tupperware back to bucket. And from bucket to overflowing bucket. The entire bathroom is soaked.

I'm calling a plumber now. But first I'm calling my sweetie to let him down gently.

Hold on. I'll be right back I'm gonna call him.

Ok I said "Sweetie, I'm calling a plumber. I can't take this anymore." and he said "Neither can I. Call him."


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

This or That?

Which seems like an easier schedule

Wake at 6:30

Dress yourself and your child.

Drop Child off by 7:45

Get to work at 8:00

No lunch hour so you can leave at 5pm

pick up child by 5:30

6:00 - 6:30 begin dinner

7:30 to 8pm eat dinner

8pm - 8:30 read books

8:30 - 9/9:30 get child to sleep

9:30 - 10:30 clean kitchen and living/dining rooms

10:30 - 11:00 watch some TV

11:00 - 11:30 get clothes ready for next day

11:30 - 12:00 take shower and go to bed

OR would you rather

6:30 am - 3:00 pm watch tv or run errands

3:00 - 3:30 leave for work

4pm - 12 At work

12pm - watch tv, eat go to sleep